


Regrets are Many

by Pups3942



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 08:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20094505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pups3942/pseuds/Pups3942
Summary: Loki has amnesia, and Tony is dying of cancer.





	Regrets are Many

_ “Fox News host Trevor Reed and his family had survived a motor vehicle crash and are stable and recovering well. It understood told that after a weekend of skiing, he was driving to the airport on icy road with his wife and children when they were involved in the crash. Reed refuses to elaborate, but he has tweeted on his official social media to ‘not take anything for granted, everyday is a blessing, and family is everything. It's always good to remind yourself of that, before something does for you.’ -” _

The sound of the radio fades as he nods to his colleague that had come for him. Loki pats down his uniform and sighs, unwilling to talk to the lady that has come for him yet again. She has perseverance, Loki gives her that; unfortunately all that potential is to be wasted on him. She calls herself Pepper, and she spoke as if Loki should know her, which is disgusting no matter how you looked at it. Should people with political power, fame, wealth or all of the above be greeted and welcomed by everyone else? There is only status and nothing more, Loki refuses to acknowledge or give in to those who demand for attention and power. Someone like the boss of Ms Pepper Potts. 

“Loki-”

“I'm sorry Ms Potts, I have to decline your offer. Please leave.”

“If you could just give me a chance.”

“I apologize, I'm simply not the man you're looking for. If you would excuse me, I have work to do.”

Loki bows politely, and retreats into the kitchen. From the small glass window on the swing door, Loki notes that Pepper doesn't leave, instead, she seats herself at a table where Loki definitely can't avoid while waiting the tables. He sighs in defeat. This is the fifth diner he has worked for since she turned up in his life out of the blue three months ago. He quit the first two quickly after she had found him, but her constant interruption and pestering had him fired from the others.

Today is his tenth day, and his superior is already shooting him warning glances. Pepper was constantly worried all the time, Loki notices that the first time they met, and she was always on edge. Loki checks on an order chit and prepares the tray, before carrying it out of the kitchen. He doesn't miss the way Peppers gaze dig into his back as he whisks past her table to serve the hungry diners. Loki has never been grateful for dinner rush hours till then. 

Pepper leaves shortly before closing and Loki stays behind a little longer to lock the doors. He plugs in his earphones and tunes in to the radio. For some reason or another, Loki finds comfort in listening to the news. An innate part of him craves for it and he never questioned it; everyone deserves a room of tranquility regardless of the oddity. For him, it is the static and monotonous drag that the radio gives pleasure of. 

He turns away from the alley into the brightly lit street. The street is quiet with little people, as it always is this time of the night. A hand grasps his arm and Loki tenses. 

“Loki.”

He sighs and pulls out one side of his earphones to look at the lady, who has positioned herself in front of him in effort to stop him from moving forward. She was successful. “Ms Potts.”

“Can I ask for your time?”

“You've already forcefully taking it, don't you think?”

“I know it's a preposterous request.”

She pauses as if wanting Loki to acknowledge, but Loki remains quiet as he watches her. 

“But Tony needs you. He needs you more than ever right now. If you would - ”

Loki holds up his hand, interrupting her as he sighs in annoyance. It is always the matter with ‘Tony’. Loki doesn't know anybody with that name, and he definitely doesn't know the ‘Tony’ Pepper insists on him meeting. Loki shouldn't have stopped to listen to her, it is pointless and a waste of both of their times. 

“Tell your boss that I'm not interested in whatever he's offering. I hope this will be the last I see you, Miss Potts.”

“You don't understand.”

“You're right. I don't. And I don't intend to find out.”

“He didn't ask me to do this. To hell if he finds out.”

“Have a good night.” Loki bows slightly as he bid her farewell and steps away to head on his way. She doesn't stop him and neither did he halt. 

“You'll never be able to see him again! Could you live with that?”

Loki doesn't turn his head, he simply lifts up his hand in a wave and walks off. There is no guilt in not turning around to see if Pepper had left, or ignoring her effort to knock into his conscience. Not being able to see Tony again? It doesn't matter! For what Loki knew, he had never met the guy in the first place; and after three months of harassing, as he dare proclaim, Loki never wanted to meet the guy who sent his employer to stalk a guy for his own interests. Seemed like a pretty selfish and arrogant thing any man would be. 

Loki was fired the next day. The superior didn't like him since the day he started anyways, Loki knew he wouldn't last. 

Surprisingly, to Loki, Pepper doesn't find him again. It is in all sense odd. Pepper doesn't give up convincing him to give her boss a visit for three months, then she suddenly disappears after a night of desperate plea. It didn't take long for Pepper to find him at his new job, but it has been six weeks since he started working in the museum. Six weeks, and no sign of Pepper. Was the past three months a terrible prank played on him? 

Loki thinks nothing of it afterwards. 

_ “Ten children had been missing since the beginning of August and four had been found alive. Correspondents say that some witch doctors in the region tell people that human body parts had special abilities in terms of bring them wealth and luck. The other children were found to be dismembered. The Federals are investigating the crime and parents are advised to watch their children closely.” _

“Loki, it’s passed closing. Aren’t you leaving?”

Loki pulls out one side of his earpiece and tells the janitor that he’ll be heading home soon. He steals one last glance at the artefacts before switching off the lights to the hall. Compared to the odd jobs he had taken up a while back, Loki can’t see himself working anywhere else than right here. The people who came to the museum were mostly delightful and Loki enjoyed the context of educating them on myths and legends, of his favourite is the hall of Norse mythology. 

Unlike those who frequent the nightclubs, mostly with absolutely disgusting mannerism. He brushes away the unpleasant thoughts of once working in a pub as a bartender. He doesn’t remember how he ended up working there, nor why, but it was a fact that he once did. He doesn’t remember anything much before that, only that he had grew up from a city far from here and graduated from college, probably seeing that he was qualified for his current position of a museum curator. Loki chooses not to think too much on it. Had he been able to remember every second of his life, Loki reckons he’ll be locked up in a mental institute, facing the white walls of nothing as he rots away. 

Loki left that job immediately after a shorter stranger sporting expensive shades in the club pulled him in for an enthusiastic kiss, to which Loki pushed him away violently for. The conversation didn't last long, if there was a conversation at all. The stranger had curly brown hair and hazel colored eyes, Loki only knew that after the punched the shades off the man, and proclaimed how much he missed Loki and the effort he had put in to find him. 

Loki had never seen him in his life. 

The crowd began snapping photos and murmuring as the stranger picked himself up from the floor and glanced at Loki in confusion. The sheer look of distaste plastered on Loki's face might not be the only factor to why the guy didn't try to hug him again, seeing the struggle he took to stand up. Perhaps he had too much to drink, Loki let the situation slide. Needless to say, he quit the job before he got fired. Loki was a pretty decent looking fella down at the pub, and situations like the one he encountered were frequent with men like himself. He didn't need to put himself in those shoes again. 

Loki sighs as he stretches his stiff shoulders from a long day of work, thankful that his apartment is only a short walk away from the museum. Lost in his thoughts, he fails to notice a car speeding towards him until blaring horns pulls him from his mind palace. By then, it is too late. Darkness engulfs him as he feels pain gradually seeping across his body. He hears muffled screaming and paddling of feet, and someone call his name. Loki groans as he opens his eyes. His vision is blurred and the dimly lit street lamps suddenly feels too bright. A big burly man towers above him but Loki fails to notice any prominent features. The man calls his name again before Loki loses sense of his surroundings and passes out on the road. 

_ It was loud.  _

_ The downpour crashed onto the hood of his car sent the vehicle into a nauseating rock, and the loud smacking from the glass made everything less bearable.  _

_ Bright lights flashed inconsistently in front of him, and the refraction from the rain made them much glaring than it should be. Loki's knuckles were white as they clenched tightly behind the wheels. He felt a sense of doom, although he couldn't place the feeling.  _

_ He could imagine what it felt like, trapped in the traffic with a sense of urgency. And there was this smell that lingered in the car, though Loki couldn't point to what the smell was.  _

_ Then he saw everything turn black. The smell of smoke burned his throat and then there was loud screeching and glass shattering.  _

_ When his vision came back, the world was flipped upside down and there was more screaming. Loki blinked once and groaned, then he blinked again when he felt someone pull his arm. Everything turned black for the second time and Loki lost sense of his surroundings.  _

Loki can only imagine he felt it; as if space and time does not affect him as he watches himself panic. It feels like a dream. No, it was a nightmare. A horrid nightmare that Loki wanted to suppress; something so painful that Loki physically wants to reject. He shoots out of bed with a jolt, and retches over the side. 

His body screams in strain and Loki can only groan as the force of hurling the contents of his empty stomach steals away the little strength that he has left. As his gaze begin to focus at the white walls of the room, and the constant beeping that echoes come clear, Loki knows that he is in a hospital ward. 

He collapses onto the bed and breathes heavily. The vision he had while he was unconscious felt too real, as if he had been through the scenario. However Loki knows he hasn’t, it was all, as it had been, a dream. Surely he would know if he had been through something as tragic. 

It had to be some obnoxious prank his brain played, twisting the facts of his current accident into something gruesome. Still, Loki can’t place the presentiment he felt from the accident. 

And there was a man Loki have never met call his name right before he passed out. 

Loki feels his stomach churn once more. That makes him the second person who knew his name without him recognising the other in the last three months alone. Or maybe they have read his name tag at work. Right? Two is a small number, there shouldn’t be anything more to it. 

Loki persuades himself that is it. He just doesn’t believe in it.

Loki has never been as lost as he feels right now. 

The rancid smell of his earlier accident begin to stink the room and Loki calls for the nurse. If he had been cognizant from the moment he woke, Loki thought he smelled a familiar scent of perfume. 

He was discharged that evening, with minor injuries inclusive of a bruised chest, abrasions and a sprained ankle. Nothing a good rest couldn't take care of. 

The only lasting thing Loki brought back from the hospital was the unshakable sense of dread. 

_ “It wasn’t always so, but of recent years, the former weapons manufacturing company has contributed more to the society than it ever had. And with the latest release of a sustainable, renewable energy source - the arc reactor, Stark Industries may never produce anything as great again. With a heavy heart, the States and the world quietly mourn for the loss of the Da Vinci of our Time.” _

Loki is glad to be back at work one week after his accident. There had been too many odd occurrences happening and Loki can’t wrap his mind around them. The visions kept coming. Since the day he discharged, Loki has been hit with multiple out of the body experience. It started out slowly, maybe once for the first day and then it kept coming. 

Often, as of late, Loki finds himself kneeling on the floor in deep breaths as perspiration slips down his face, as if he had ran a marathon just moments before. It mostly happens when he touches something or when he mutters unconsciously. 

The worst of it all, Loki feels that had done those things, or said those words before. These visions, they felt too real, more so than a sense of deja vu. They felt like flashbacks. And Loki swears that he had never experienced every one of the images or emotions related to an incident that flashed across his mind. 

Thankfully, the phantasmagoria doesn’t plague him outside of his home. Which is one particular reason why Loki is dying to get to work the moment he’s got a clearance by his doctor. 

“Hello.” He says to no one in particular as he enters the familiar hall filled with old artifacts. Loki adjusts his nametag and walks over to the glass holding the great hammer of the norse history -  _ mjolnir _ . It is his favorite item in the hall and he is drawn to the dull steel and worn leather of it. Funny enough that his name is Loki, as with the brother to the God that held that hammer. His parents did have a sense of humor. 

The museum is often not as crowded as Loki hopes it will be. People of the modern day doesn’t seem interested in old stories and make-beliefs as they do their history.  _ Pity _ , Loki thinks. One can learn so much from the history of a place, more so the history of a person. 

Loki squeezes his eyes shut to block an imminent headache and regrets it immediately.  _ “People of the modern day?! What are you? An old man?”  _ He opens his eyes and groans, he still hears the laughter of a man in his head, teasing him, mocking him for his select choice of words.  _ “I’m a highly sophis-”  _

“-ticated man, unlike yourself. Rude and vulgar. Full of disdain.” Loki pants. His eyes are blown wide as he catches his breath. It is one thing to have visions, and a whole other thing to actually know them subconsciously. 

If anyone will like to know how that feels, imagine being hit by a train where your whole body aches then pulled out of water as if you’ve been drowned. Dazed, confused and in a lot of pain. That is what it feels like. Or at least that is what Loki thinks it feels like when put into words. 

“What’s happening to me?” 

The rest of the day goes without incident, to which Loki is grateful for. He stops at the mart after closing to grab a bottle of cheap alcohol. He is not one who drinks unless an occasion accounts for. Today is an exception. 

_ “Would you like a drink?” _

Loki pours himself a large glass, not bothering to let the alcohol breathe, and stares at the deep red.

_ “You can’t drink that! It’s absolute garbage! Take this.” _

Loki closes his eyes and inhales the drink, almost choking at the terrible taste that cheap wine has to offer. There is no image that accompanies the voice in his head, and Loki can’t pinpoint a face to match that voice. Sometimes, there are more than one voice; the other he knows. It was Loki himself. He doesn’t hate it, no matter how much he wishes he would. If anything, voices are easier to work around than visions. 

Loki flings the glass to the floor and takes the bottle. Without hesitation, he downs the bottle. Tears form in his eyes as the drink burns his throat. 

He dreamt of the car accident that night. 

Four weeks after Loki was released from the hospital, Loki finds himself back in the doctor’s office, tapping his feet impatiently on the floor as he waits for the results of his brain scan. 

“Your scans are completely normal.”

“It's not possible.”

“But it is.” The doctor clips the scans onto a illuminated board and gestures for Loki to observe. “That's your temporal lobe there. No shrinkage, no abnormalities. Your speech and hearing impairments are, well, not at all impaired.”

“But the voices-”

“Could be due to stress.” The doctor flips through Loki's medical history and points to the date of his accident not too long ago. “I supposed it started after this?”

Loki nods.

“There you have it. Go home, get lots of rest and don't think about anything.”

Loki doesn't believe if there is another doctor as incompetent as this. “It doesn't explain the visions, does it?”

“It can.”

Loki sighs, that response should be of convenience to the doctor. The said doctor, now seated comfortably in his large chair, leans forward with his head resting on his right palm tells Loki that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. 

“I'll give you a couple of pills to help you relax, and probably sleep. I assume you have trouble sleeping?”

Loki nods vaguely as the doctor scribbles on a parchment untidily. 

“Good. Take this to the prescription counter.”

Loki mutters a soft thanks and leaves the room. It can't hurt to get a second opinion, right? 

Unfortunately for him, the next three ‘second’ opinions derived the same conclusion that Loki is as fit as a fiddle. Nothing wrong with him, it's just the stress and Loki has to learn to relax. 

He sighs. The thought had been lingering in his mind for a while now, but Loki doesn't have the courage to proceed. Perhaps, he is looking up the wrong doctors. 

He shakes his head lightly, hands so full with bags of various medications that Loki could sell them in the back alleys for quick cash. He is not crazy. 

Is he? 

_ “A young actor, Aloysius Pang aged 28, had died from his injuries sustained from an accident from a military training exercise earlier this evening. He had undergone three surgeries within a span of three days and had to be placed on life support after the emergency operation to intervene surgical complications. He passed four days after the accident. Friends and fans poured the media with condolences at the loss of a rising star, and a kind soul.” _

“Hey Loki!”

He looks towards the person who called him and smiles. 

“Darcy. Dr. Foster asks for more samples?”

“No, just popped by to say hi.” Darcy waves her hand through the empty room and laughs. “ ‘f course, why else?”

Loki feigns a heart ache and falls two steps back. “Oh you wound me. And I thought you really did miss me.”

They laugh, and to Loki, it's been the only genuine smile on his face for weeks. Loki doesn't have to take Darcy to the sampling room, she already knows her way there, but he follows her out of customary. 

“How's the research coming up?”

“You know, here and there. We haven't gotten anything solid yet.” Darcy says. “But I think we're getting something.”

“That's nice.”

“ ‘nuff said about me. What's up with you?” Darcy shoots Loki a glance of disapproval. 

“Me?”

“Yeah, you are terribly thin. What's happened?”

Loki staggers and stops in his steps, holding the walls for support. “Don't.” His voice is strained. 

“Hey.” Her voice is soft and gentle, as if soothing a frightened child. “Tell me. You look like you need to talk to someone.”

Loki nods. 

He told her about Pepper, although she already knew bits and pieces about that. He told her about his accident and about the visions he had. He told her about the doctors’ visits and the crazy amount of sleeping pills he had been taking to no help at all. 

“And there's this morning.” Loki winces as if the memory is painful. “This kid came up to me and joked about my name, how it is the name as the God of Mischief. The usual, you know? And it was fine and all.”

“And he asked if ‘the Loki God was as skinny’ as I am and that ‘you look just like a stick!’” Loki covers his face with his hands. “Something tipped inside me, I didn't know what happened! Somehow the kid looked up at me in horror and the others in the room were staring at me like I was some sort of maniac. Only then I realized I was laughing and jabbing at thin air, or in my memory, at someone I called ‘Stark’.”

Darcy wraps her arm around Loki's shoulder reassuringly, “Maybe you should, well, see a psychologist.”

“I'm not crazy.” Loki raises his voice and inches away from Darcy. She doesn't let go. 

“No you aren't. But you'll be if you don't get yourself sorted out. It all started after the accident, maybe it's some sort of PTSD and you didn't even know about it.”

Loki says nothing as he stares at his palms that were moist with cold sweat from his recount. 

“Loki?”

“I'll try.”

“Good.” Darcy smiles and pats his back. “Call me after your first session! No, call me after all your sessions. I want to know who this mystery man that's plaguing my best bud to-”

“Insanity.” Loki finishes for her. 

“I was looking for the word ‘distress’.”

Loki chuckles softly. “Thanks.”

Later that week, Loki found himself within the four walls of a doctor's room again, only this time he sat on a couch instead of the squeaky hospital chair. His mind doctor, as he so friendly termed, had been helpful in relieving his tension throughout the day. 

Loki didn't call Darcy after his session. 

Loki doesn't call Darcy after any of his sessions. Because they didn't help at all. And Loki doesn't want to disappoint his friend. 

The triggers were difficult to pinpoint, and his doctor couldn't give him any definitive solution. From the smell of alcohol, some more then others, to vintage cars and even noises from the construction sites, the only word that was consistent that left his lips unconsciously was ‘Stark’. 

Two visits in a week; it had been one month. Still, there was no progress. And the name Stark continues to linger on his lips. His psychologist wants him to find a relation between the name and his memories; Loki rolls his eyes the first time he heard it because that was what he had been trying to think of since the beginning. And you didn't need a doctorate to define that. 

Nevertheless, Loki says all that he knew. That is the only Stark he knows of, and so do thousands of others, is the CEO of Stark Industries. Maybe, ‘was’ the CEO. Didn't he step down or something? 

Loki can't think of anything reason that he'll be associated with this ‘Stark’. That leads him to nothing. 

His visits often comprises of a lot of talking, especially about Loki's past and the people he hangs out with, which are countable on the fingers of his one hand. 

His doctor wrote him off as mildly depressed and a possible PTSD for making up scenarios about the crash and a reason for his sleepless nights. 

One month. Loki stops going to the psychologist. Instead, he tries to find his own cure. After all if a car accident can trigger his buried memories, a car accident should be able to unravel more. It seems logical. “Find the root of the problem.” His mind doctor always said, so Loki is going to do just as he was told. 

It is after work hours and Loki has packed up quicker than usual before slipping out the back door. He eyes the streets, it's not too busy but there are people hanging around. Good, Loki wants to be found and sent to the hospital. Today is not the day to die. 

He lays his belongings by the side of the road and gathers some wits. Rubbing his cold hands together, Loki inhales and leaps off the curb at an ongoing car. 

His eyes are squeezed shut and falls to the ground. He hears loud screeching, but the impact doesn't come. 

He hears shouting before someone violently pulls on his shirt. When he opens his eyes, Loki wished he had been knocked over for real. 

“What the hell were you doing?!” 

“Nothing?” Loki replies innocently. 

“Bullshit Loki! I saw you jump in front of my car! I could have killed you! Goddammit!” 

“Well, you didn't.” Loki brushes off the dust from his pants and stands up. 

“You sound disappointed.”

“Maybe I am.”

“To hell! I told you to call me. One month later, I come to check on you, and I see you trying to kill yourself!” Darcy rakes her fingers through her hair, and turns away furiously. “You should have called!”

“Maybe talking isn't the solution!” Loki brushes her off. “Go see a doctor, go see a psychiatrist, go talk to someone. They're all the same! Talking is not solving anything!”

Darcy, taken aback by his outburst, stares blankly at Loki. “Hey.”

Loki shoots her a glare. His face is flushed and he is panting slightly, probably from the adrenaline and somewhat from his pent up frustration. 

“Maybe we should sit down.”

Darcy wanted to lead Loki away, maybe to a place that offer drinks because he looks like a wreck. But he doesn't move. Instead, he opens her car door and slumps inside. She sighs, unsure of what she should say, and closes the door on his side before walking to the driver's seat and settles in there. 

“Want me to drive us anywhere?”

Loki doesn't say anything, he shakes his head lightly and leans back. If Darcy were to describe him in one word, it will be ‘resigned’. 

“Maybe you're rushing it.” Darcy says after a long, uncomfortable silence. “Things like this takes time.”

“It's been a long time.”

“Have you tried to talk to Pepper Potts?”

“Didn't find her, couldn't find her.”

“Don't shit me, Loki.” Darcy says. “She literally works in the most famous tower in this very city. Ring any bells?”

“Shut.”

“The Stark Industries. Hello? She's a sitting duck waiting for you.”

“It's not the same Stark.”

“How’d you know?”

“I don't, really.”

“There you have it! She's been hounding you for months, you said so when you first transferred here! And it couldn't be coincidence that her boss is a Stark.”

“She doesn't want to talk to me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Loki leans back in his seat and rubs his temples lightly, bracing himself for an impending headache. “And I hear she's not in town. I can't call her. They wouldn’t give it to me.”

“The receptionists?”

“The staff, in general. Looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am. They should be afraid. I am afraid of myself. Who knows what else I’m going to do?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” He glances over to Darcy. 

“For saying you didn't bother to try.”

Though he doesn't reply, Loki smiles genuinely and that is all Darcy needs. Before she can say something to break the new silence between them, Loki whispers loud enough for Darcy to listen. His eyes bore into hers as he spoke the words, and all Darcy wanted to do then was to pull the man into a tight, reassuring hug. She doesn't, only because Loki will be the last person to appreciate body contact of such intimacy. 

“I need to know… The butterflies in my stomach wouldn't rest for weeks. It hurts not knowing… I’m afraid what if I’ll be hurting more when I know?”

_ “The weather in New York is 64 degrees, with scattered clouds. The temperature is expected to drop midday in expectant of a light shower through the evening.” _

Loki combs his hair back for the fifth time this morning. It is drizzling outside and the coat that he has does nothing to help with the cold. He blows softly over his hot cup of tea and sips on it. The beverage warms his stomach only for a moment before the sense of dread kicks right back in. 

Thor is late. 

Loki can't remember a time where Thor was ever on time. 

Loki flips through the menu again. The menu is fancy. Big. Loki doesn't have an appetite. 

“Brother!”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. He'd almost forgotten how boisterous Thor can be. He glares at his brother, who grin is so wide it might as well replace his face. 

“Two beers please!” Thor yells as he sits down. “I flew in as quick as I could when I got your voice mail.”

“Not quick enough.”

“There you go, my chirpy little brother.”

“Shut up. Tell me you've got the facts.”

The waitress comes to serve the beers and Thor, being the brute that he is, chugs down half a glass while she's setting the other glass on their table. She stands between them awkwardly with her clipboard,  _ a trainee then _ , and waits for their orders. Loki sends her off before Thor can order the whole menu. 

“Tell me.”

“Tell you what?” Either Thor is really good at pretending or he truly doesn't get the breakfast - well, lunch now - date is all about. 

“The last time I saw you. It's all hazy but I saw you. We're in a small apartment, and I think I was.. You were -” Loki's voice is strained, and avoids Thor's gaze. For a loud person, Thor is surprisingly quiet at that moment, as if egging Loki on to complete his sentence. 

“I was… Scared… Wasn't I?”

“Hysterical.”

Loki can't tell if Thor was joking by the tone when he said that. He arches his brow and send his brother a questioning glance. 

“Loki, it’s been 2 years. You really don’t remember?”

“2 year- what?! Thor, if I did, I wouldn’t be having a drink here with you, would I?”

“Loki, you were in a car accident. Nearly took your life. You were unconscious for at least 2 weeks! We were freaked out. Tony's soul was crushed. It was a terrible time for all of us.”

“I haven't been in an accident before the most recent one a couple of months ago.”

“Believe me, none of us would forget those moments.”

“... Apparently I did.”

“No one blames you.”

“You’re shitting me. I ask you for help, and you're feeding me lies.”

“Brother.”

“Don't you ‘brother’ me.” Loki slams the table, albeit too hardly, and Thor doesn't flinch. “My medical records were clean. They've been clean for years.”

“And that doesn't strike you odd? You're the rational one.”

“Well I suppose I was -”

“Really healthy? For 5 years?”

“I- well I could have home-medicated.”

“Your records were hidden, that's why the hospitals couldn't track them.”

“There's no reason for me to hide my records.”

“No.” Thor motions Loki to sit back down. “Tony wanted it to. He ensured your data wasn't leaked in anyway. You both were entitled to top notch security.”

“Why would he do that for me?”

Thor sips his beer and Loki feels queasy. Thor never sips beer, he chugs them down like no tomorrow. 

Tony. Tony has to be the Stark of his dreams. The dreams and visions that made him smile more than he ever has; the shared happy memories that warms his chest. 

“I love him.” Loki mutters. 

“Aye, you do.”

Loki blinks. “Stark.. His name is Stark, right?” Loki notices Thor's subtle nod of confirmation. “Don't tell me he's the same guy as the Tony Stark of Stark Industries.”

“That's the guy.” Thor answers. “When you're a billionaire, CEO of the most famous engineering company there ever was, it's no wonder he keeps his security top notch.”

Loki frowns. If his brows are to furrow more than they had, they are sure to be stuck that way permanently. “But I'm not… He's not-” Loki swallows his saliva, but his mouth stay dry. “I'm not into gu-”

“You're not gay?” Thor muses. “No. He's the exception.”

Loki's face meets his palms and his fingertips slip into the fringe of his hair, messing up the cleanly combed back hair. Loki can't bring himself to say it, but Thor must have understood the strained rumble from his throat that Loki himself doesn't know. Because Thor told him that he didn't mean to maintain the whole façade in front of him. 

“But why?” Loki sounds like his voice had been ran over by a train. 

“If I tell you, the memories won't be yours.”

“Thor.”

“Your therapist called me.”

Loki's hands pulls away from his face as he stares at his brother in disbelief. He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel. Touched that he cared? Or betrayed? 

“I was waiting for your call before I turn up unexpectedly.” Thor goes on to say. “You sure took your time.”

It isn't fair. His therapist is against him. Now Thor is against him. Darcy stopped him. Loki swears that even his brain hates him. Thor said that his therapist called him after the fourth session, so he knew! They both knew! And yet, he watched Loki pour his confusion unto him, and the therapist said nothing that could have helped. Loki bites his tongue as he wonders if Darcy knew it too. 

Especially when she made a timely approach to stop him from reenacting the car accident. Loki isn't sure if he believes in coincidences anymore. He wants to throw a tantrum, push Thor away and punch him, anything that can help him release his pent up emotions. But he doesn't. He flinches subconsciously when Thor touches his hand, and realizes that he's been clenching his fists so hard his knuckles were turning white. 

Thor calls for cheap wine. 

Loki sips his tea quietly, because, Thor  _ does not  _ drink cheap wine. “It's been 2 years.”

“Actually,” Thor watches Loki sigh. “It's almost 3.”

“How could this happen?”

That is the million dollar question. Because in Loki's conscious mind, there wasn't any missing timeline in his memory. Everything pieced together perfectly. 

The waitress pours them both a glass and sets the wine bottle on the table, bowing slightly before leaving. Thor hands Loki a glass. 

Loki doesn't drink it. He swirls the glass in his hand and watches the red liquid splash against the tall glass. He feels Thor's piercing gaze unto him and Loki knows he's waiting for him to drink. He sets the glass down and sighs, again. “What is it?”

“I offered you a drink.” Thor says slowly. “It'll be rude for you to reject that.”

“You know, I'm utterly tempted to splash this on you.”

Thor chuckles. That is… Good. Right? Loki flexes his fingers before grabbing the glass. He lifts the drink towards his lips and hopes that Thor doesn’t notice his trembling before sipping on it. The taste wasn’t unfamiliar to him, but Loki can’t lay his emotions on the table. 

_ “Don’t be stupid!” _

_ “Me?! Stupid?!”  _

Loki blinks away the blur that began to form in his sight. The voices are back. And they aren’t the happy voices he’s grown accustomed to. They sounded mad, and frustrated beyond belief. Loki knows that because the tug in his chest told him that he was there when the conversation took place. 

_ “You’re reckless all the time! I worry for you! Pepper worries for you! And do you heed any of our care?!’ _

_ “Stop.” _

_ “What?!” _

_ “Loki, stop drinking. Please, put the bottle down.” _

“Loki?”

Thor shakes his brother lightly to break him out of his trance. When Loki had gone silent ten minutes ago, Thor thought that the quietness would do him good. But when Loki began hyperventilating, Thor panicked. “Loki!’

It's not good, it's not good. Thor rushes to Loki's side just in time before his brother collapses face first into the table. The words were slurred, but Thor hears them as clear as glass. 

“You did this on purpose.”

Now he feels guilty. He did, and he did what he thought was best. Loki was avoiding the past and now that the past had come back for him, Thor hasn't seen Loki be in such turmoil since… Well since 2 years ago. And if his therapist said that every tiny detail was beginning to set off memories, that meant that Loki was bound to remember them all soon enough. 

It was supposed to be in his best interests that he remembers soon. Thor only hoped that the quicker he found out about Stark’s… 

Maybe, Loki would blame himself. Maybe he won't. But Thor hoped that he'll blame himself less. After all, what had happened wasn't his fault. It has been set since 2 years ago. Loki just didn't remember it. 

Loki doesn't see much. Everything was a blur, just as it always had been when the visions came and left. But he felt more with this. The blur in his sight cleared when he blinked, and something warm and wet slid down his cheeks. He brings his hand to his face to wipe it off. Loki realizes that he was crying. 

It's real. 

The fight felt so real. Loki watches his hands shake and his sight blurs again. His heart definitely believed it was real. Had it hurt this much then? 

He remembers flinging the bottle of wine, which spilled into the carpet of the car when the bottle broke with a loud crash. He remembers Stark shaking him violently and he shouted back.

It might have been over nothing. 

But the fight was definitely real. Because Loki remembers the stench of that cheap wine when he drove the car. And it was the same car that he met with an accident with. Apparently they didn't clean it up. Either that, or they  _ didn't  _ have time to clean it up. 

“I need to find him.” Loki's voice is strained. “Thor, take me to him.”

“Ahh…” Thor should have expected this answer. Only, he wasn't prepared for it. “Current circumstances forbid it…” In his mind, he was screaming, he didn't want to be the one to break the news to his brother. 

“He's in Malibu,” Loki doesn't know how he knew of that, the place just slipped off his tongue. “Isn't he? Since he isn't in New York right now. Malibu, we can go there.”

“That's 7 hours of flight away.”

“Thor, he's dying! I need to see him now!”

That sentence shocked them both. Firstly because Loki doesn't actually know that, the words just came and he spoke them without thinking. But the weight of the words on his tongue affirms the fact that Tony was dying. That was what the accident was about. Loki was driving like a madman in the heaviest downpour New York city has ever seen to get to the hospital. And Loki never saw Tony, he never made it to the hospital, at least not by his car. 

Secondly, Thor doesn't expect Loki to know that already. But the grammar in that sentence is wrong. Loki spoke of him as if he is still alive. Thor is doesn't want to be the one to correct him though. “Brother,” Thor says with caution, “what do you know?”

It was the longest 7 hour flight Loki had taken in his life. He called his manager to inform him of his absence for the next two days and while Loki wasn't too broke, the impromptu purchase of the earliest plane ticket took a large chunk of his wallet. Loki doesn't regret it. 

Loki told Thor everything that pieced together in his mind. Every detail that led up to the accident. The only missing memories were this immediately after. That was when Thor filled him in. 

Pepper was the one who called him in the midst of his very busy meeting to secure a huge deal that could raise the stakes of his father's company; and when the deal was completed, Thor was to be promoted to gain ownership of the Asgard Trading Firm. 

One call from Pepper, and Thor never got that promotion. 

For two weeks, Tony, Pepper and Thor stayed by Loki's side. For two weeks, Thor watched the doctor shook his head while writing on his clipboard. Two weeks, Thor thought he'd lost Loki forever. At the end of that, Tony's frail body collapsed and it was only Thor who stayed by Loki's side. 

An urgent call sent Thor back home and it was left to Pepper to update Thor on his brother’s health. Thankfully, Loki woke up eventually, albeit a little dazed and confused, he wasn’t in any imminent danger. 

Until five days later when he ran away from the hospital. 

Even Thor didn’t know where had Loki been during the one week where everyone was looking for him. Loki couldn’t say, he didn’t remember. But all that was, was that Thor found Loki too far away from the hospital he ran from, and that he was a wreck. Loki flinched too much upon contact, and he refused to maintain eye contact. The only words he said the whole time were “Don’t bring me back, I don’t want to go back. Don’t tell them.” Nothing made sense. 

It shouldn’t make sense, because Thor knew how much Loki loved Tony. Loki couldn’t run away, not now more than ever. But Loki looked so broken… When Thor left Loki for the second time, Loki was barely functioning as a person. 

The third call from Pepper was unexpected. Apparently, Tony and Pepper looked his brother up, but Loki became hysterical and had moved out the next morning. They couldn’t find him. Not until Loki punched Tony in the bar three months after his disappearance. Loki was working as a bartender in that nightclub for a little over a month. If that wasn’t shocking enough, Pepper told him that Loki had no memories of Tony, or to be more precise, Loki had no memories of the years he had been with Tony. It was as if those five years had ceased to exist.

Tony wanted to let Loki go. He really did. And the punch Loki gave him bruised his cheek for days reminded him that Loki could be a free man, to live again. After all, Tony was a dying man. One misery is enough, he didn’t want to drag Loki down with him. 

Loki was fortunate to forget. Tony, however, had to live with the pain of losing him.

If Loki didn’t notice it then, he definitely remembers them now. The features of Tony were different when he met him in that bar. His cheeks were sunken in and his eyes were strained. Tony looked like he hadn’t slept for weeks, and that might have very well been true. And despite several bouts of drinks, Tony’s complexion remained frighteningly pale. Loki should have noticed it then. Tony was showing signs of wearing down. 

He rubs his clenched fist with one hand, painfully aware that he struck someone with no power of fighting back; someone with no intention of fighting back. He could have killed Tony that very night. 

All he can feel is regret. He glances up at the sky. It is clear. Hopefully, Loki thinks, Tony can forgive him and accept him into his life again. A sigh leaves his lips, but instead of worry and regret, it is filled with determination. The entanglement of turmoil in his gut becomes clear. Loki loves Tony Stark. 

And he is going to fix the mistake he made since tw-three years ago. And Loki isn’t going to leave this time. 

For months the visions plagued him, for months Loki was thrown into a vortex of confusion. It was with such irony that everything was led unfold in a matter of hours after meeting Thor. Loki could argue that the buildup led to an easier awakening. Honestly, he doesn't know. 

Loki knocks on the door, his palm sweaty from anxiety and strands of his hair are beginning to stick on his face. He turns around to look at Thor, still seated in the car. Loki wanted to do this himself, and Thor agreed instantly. Still, his nerves are eating him and even when Thor inclined his head - a sign of assurance, Loki doesn't feel at all assured. 

The door opened in seconds, but it felt like long minutes to Loki and he isn't surprised to see Pepper behind that door. Her hair is disheveled and her eyes are red. Eyebags drops beneath her tired eyes and a frown is plastered on her face. 

They stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Pepper attempts to slam the door on Loki's face. 

Attempts to. But doesn't manage, because Loki shoots his arm through the gap as the door swung close and yelps when the heavy wood hits his hand. 

Pepper opens the door again in shock. 

“What the hell?!”

“Ms Potts, Pepper. I need to talk to you.”   
Pepper's face draws in to a stoic expression. “I'm sorry. I have to decline your proposition.”

The words shouldn't sting him, it did anyway. 

“If you could just give me a chance.”

Loki's stomach does a flip. Now that he is on the receiving end, Loki can't help but regret his words when Pepper looked him up months ago. The roles are reversed. It is his turn to fill in the shoes of desperation. 

“You never did give me a chance.”

She is right. And Loki hates himself for it. 

“But I'm going to give you 5 minutes to talk.”

Loki unconsciously wipes his sweaty palms against his pants. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth and he doesn't know where to begin. What is he supposed to say in situations like this? Is he supposed to say that she was right all along? Ask for Tony? Should he begin with an apology? What should he be apologizing for anyway? It wasn't like he deliberately chose to forget. He only deliberately went out of his way to avoid Pepper. 

“You have 4 minutes left.”

“I was-” Wrong? Afraid? Loki bites down his pride, and admits his current feeling. “Lost.”

That is not a lie. 

“This complication I had…” Loki waves his hand as an indication for words he can't make out, and for added measure that his point was brought across. “I didn't mean it.”

It was then Loki understood. “My therapist told me once that amnesia is different for everyone. For some, their minds erase their worse encounters, very much as a protective measure for their being. They shroud their brain with false memories or completely forget what happened. He said, for others it's different. Maybe I'm like that, maybe I'm not.”

Only now did Loki know that his therapist had already knew everything. He was taking a slow approach so as to not chase Loki away due to fear of accepting the facts. Loki ran away anyway… 

“I'm like the rest. I fled. Pepper, I ran away from what I feared the most. The thought of losing Tony, I- I…” The word feels heavy on his tongue, and Loki bites it to calm his nerves. “I screwed up.”

“It's too late.”

“I can fix this.” Loki refuses to admit it, but he sounded very much like begging. “Whatever rift between us, I can fix it.”

“And if you saw him again, then what?” Pepper says without emotion. “Don't forget that I had been asking, pleading you to come back just once to see him. Do you even remember what's happened to him?”

“It was cancer. The doctor gave him 5 years.”

“Yeah, he did.”

The tension between them grew stronger if it had already been there before. And Loki simply wanted to push his way past Pepper, and Happy who stood a short distance behind her shortly after she received the door. He looks as terrible as Pepper. And Loki feels just about the same. 

“If you see him now, what can you do for him?”

‘I'll-” He'd often start off with a pompous reply in most of his own life in these types of questions, or practically in any if not all questions he'd received in his life. Until this point, where Loki pinpoints his stutter and furrow of brows as confusion to what to say. He's hands grip his pants for self reassurance. What can he do for Tony? “I'll stay with him.” Loki says finally, his grip on his pants are tighter than he imagined. 

“How much of Tony do you even remember? After all these years, things have changed.”

“I-”

“Loki, that was what you said to him,” the look Pepper is giving him sent shivers down his spine. Her voice is cold but her gaze is full of pity and perhaps, hurt. “Three years ago, before the accident.”

This time, Loki remembers the vivid sound of the pounding rain against the metal of his car and the tires screeching loudly on the roads before the crash. The odd smelling odor was from that bottle of cheap wine Loki had thrown at Tony the previous day. He remembers the searing pain from the impact of the car and he remembers being pulled out of the wreckage. All he could think of was getting to Tony, who was laying in the hospital bed, too weak to move after his collapse in a conference. 

His heart aches and Loki feels his cheeks get wet. He brings up his hand to wipe at his face, but it doesn’t dry and when Loki has to gasp for air that he realizes his tears will not still just yet. Loki doesn’t attempt to stop his outburst. 

So this is what it feels like to remember again. 

“It wasn’t entirely your fault. Tony was facing death and he didn’t want to pressure you. He didn’t want to be selfish.”

“He should have.” Loki murmurs. 

“If this was his old self, he would have.” Pepper continues, “he should have been selfish just once…”

“Let me see him.”

“It’s too late.”

“Please, I know you warned me against my actions. But I have come to, haven’t I?” Loki totally failed at not wanting to sound like he is begging. “About me never seeing him again, and all. That’s not going to matter if I am here now.” 

“I’m sorry.” Pepper says with that look that Loki has come to dislike. It the look you give a child when their balloon bursts, or when their crayons crack; it is the look of pity mixed with consolation. And Loki hates that. 

Behind her, Happy clears his throat. Pepper sighs, and invites him in. “Maybe you should sit down.”

Loki doesn't want to sit; what he wants is to run downstairs to find Tony who was probably wasting away in his workshop and tell him everything will be better from now. He doesn't want to, but he does it any way. 

“We thought you'd have heard the news.”

“What?”

“The country mourned for him as well.”

_ Mourned _ . She can't mean… It can't be… The prognosis was 5 years! Loki will never admit it, but even seated down, his knees buckled and he almost collapses. 

_ Almost.  _ If momentarily blacking out doesn't mean as collapsing. His face is wet, but he doesn't know if they were cold sweat or tears. And when he spoke, his voice wavered with uncertainty. 

“You're joking.”

It isn't a question. He glances at Pepper and over to Happy, whose expression hasn't changed. If Loki paid closer attention, he'd see that Happy’s eyes were too, red and puffy. 

“If it was any consolation, Tony did manage to see you before he left. When he held your hand in his knowingly it’ll be his last, Loki, I’ll never forget that smile. He was so happy even in the face of death.” Pepper’s voice lowers to a whisper. 

“It must have been a hell of a coincidence when you were crossing that road when Happy was rushing to the hospital. He very nearly knocked you over.” 

Loki winces at the memory. That near hit was the start of everything he’s faced in these few months. It was the beginning of a new phase of pain he had never felt before. It was the very reason to why he was sitting in his former partner’s home, insisting to meet him only to find out he’d missed the opportunity to redeem himself. “He called my name before I passed out.” 

Happy nods. 

“Oh god.”

“Oh…”

Loki’s voice is caught in his throat as he comprehends the information laid out for him. Life is unfair. In what crazy coincidence that he would have been walking down that street on the day Tony would breathe his last? Life was cruel to tear them apart, only to let them meet in unknownst conditions that either of them will never feel the care and love from the other again? And Loki, he is the one to have to live through it all. Is this punishment for forgetting? Because it if it is, Loki wishes…

Tears falls continuously from his eyes as he blinks them away. They don’t stop. 

How can he even think of hoping to stay amnesic forever? Why now, in all of the two years, did Pepper want him to remember?

_ “He didn’t ask me to do this. To hell if he finds out.” _

That was Pepper’s desperation turned on deaf ears.  _ Because he’s dying and you need to find him. _ That was the true message behind her words. And of all the confrontation, Loki notices now, that Pepper bit her lips whenever she was close to screaming at him that Tony was dying. 

_ “He needs you now, more than ever.” _ Please don’t let him die with sorrow and regrets. Loki punches himself in the face, and flinches in pain. Regrets are for the living. Loki should have known. Because he had heard the news himself. 

_ “ And with the latest release of a sustainable, renewable energy source - the arc reactor, Stark Industries may never produce anything as great again. With a heavy heart, the States and the world quietly mourn for the loss of the Da Vinci of our Time.” _ That was the news broadcasted over radio. Loki had heard it. He was on the radio most of the time, it should have triggered some memories. If Loki hears it now, he knows it’s Tony they were describing in the first line itself. 

The fact that he even listens to the radio was in memory of Tony. Everyday when he picks up his phone to tune in to the radio, that was a memory of Tony screaming right in his face. Because, Loki remembers that cheesy argument over receiving news updates from JARVIS and obtaining information the traditional way - radio. Tony, obviously thinks otherwise. No need to resort to cavemen means for news right?

Memories. Oddly enough, something non physical is what people hold dear to themselves. Uniquely theirs, irreplaceable, some choose to forget while others never let go. Loki had been on the receiving end of both. 

Regrets are many. 

But if shear coincidences could give him a hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride, Loki is willing to bet on coincidences alone that the name of Stark never truly die. 

“Tony, I am here to stay.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Each radio news are actually real news edited partially and incorporated on the day I typed this, so you can probably tell how long I took to write this. Reviews are welcomed, and constructive criticism helps me go a long way.


End file.
